Much Ado about Mormons
by Phoenix II
Summary: Stan hangs out again with Gary. Kyle isn’t thrilled. Takes place at Kyle’s house, in Kyle’s room. Style oneshot. Stan’s POV.


**Much Ado About Mormons**

**Disclaimer: Not mine!**

**Summary: Stan hangs out again with Gary. Kyle isn't thrilled. Takes place at Kyle's house, in Kyle's room. Stan's POV.**

**Author's Notes: Hehe…I stayed up until 3 A.M. to write all this dialogue with Karen. I got bored today and decided to put nice adjectives and things with it. Hope you enjoy…**

"Did you make out with him too?" Kyle's voice is cold, and his tone is sharp. I'd come over to apologize for spending so much time with Gary over the past weeks, and breaking my promise to convert to Judaism if I ever decided to stop being a Catholic. I certainly hadn't expected this.

"Oh my God, no! Rice Krispie Bars don't share like that!" I exclaimed. Kyle is fond of sharing food with me like that…I'm a little hurt that he thinks I would cheat on him like that.

''Oh sure, you like a Mormon, but not a Jew..." Oh boy. He's DEFINITELY got the wrong idea about this whole business. The COMPLETELY wrong idea…

"No...I LIKE a Mormon...but I LOVE a Jew." You know…like as a friend. I couldn't love anybody else…

"Oh so you DO like him?" …Still missing the point, my dear Kyle. He's sitting on his bed, glaring daggers at me, while I pace around his room trying to explain myself.

"Yeah, but not like-like...Jesus, Kyle, his family fingerpaints their faces and feeds hoboes! And I thought YOUR Mom was nuts..." Maybe that'll get the point across. I'm over by the window now, staring out at the dark outside.

"Well I fingerpaint too asshole! You seem to enjoy going for the odd ones huh? I was the weird outcast Jew, and then this goody goody comes along with his far more fucked up family, and you're all over the little prick." God-fucking-DAMNIT! What's burrowed inside Kyle's ass lately?

"Yeah, you fingerpaint, but you do it on PAPER, like normal people. And you...were outcast...but I reeled you in hook line and sinker." OK…maybe not the best thing to be doing with a pissed-off Kyle…bragging about how I landed him.

"Hmm point taken to the first part... But, let's never forget the Metro fad. Yeah, you reeled me in alright, then tossed me away, then realized I was the best you could ever hope for and tried to reel me in once more." Oh. He's pointing out that I'm an idiot again. THAT makes me feel SO much better.

"Hey, that reeling was all that saved you from the Crab people! Be grateful for my long pole!" I grin. He gets off the bed and comes over to berate me even more. Oh, God…his face is almost the color of his hair…

"Hmm, well you had no problem abandoning me when Ike was kidnapped by aliens. And why? Oh, that's right, to see if you could get a kiss from that little tart, Wendy! Yes, I see where your priorities lye Stan." But…that was before we'd even gotten together! What the hell is he doing trying to bring up stuff from way back then? Time to bring him back to the present…I still haven't managed to even make my apology yet.

"OK, fine, I'm capable of being distracted. But if you know what you're doing...you're always my welcome distraction, Kyle." Yes! Try and distract him with the Sexy-Talk. THAT'S gotta work…

"Oh and while we're on the topic of Wendy, how about when she dumped you? Did I mean nothing to you through all that 'Life is nothing but pain and suffering?' Once again, lovely way of showing affection! Oh, and how about with that stupid egg, you thought I was trying to impress WENDY! Christ Stan, why would I do that, seriously? Have I not proven myself to you?" Oh for fuck's sake, Kyle! I grimace, searching around for my own reply. That's seriously one episode from my life I'd rather not re-live. Those Goth kids are…well, fucked-up in the head for starters.

"You've been nothing but diligent in your proving, but if I can be distracted by the tart, I reasoned you could too...I mean...you've got to be human SOMEHOW." Inhumanly smart, inhumanly moral, inhumanly…hot…

"Bah, least I don't puke and ogle after her, I was good enough to push her away! And if you're 'human' you'd know you should only have ONE person... bah Stan, is all I have to say."

"Baaa? You're going to go sheepish on me? When did we move to Montana?" Ah, Montana…where men are men and sheep are scared…

"You're not worth any more than that." I'm actually wounded. I think I'm bleeding inside. Hell, maybe even outside. That…that's vicious.

"Ouch...that's low, Kyle. That's like hitting below the belt...and that kind of fighting does damage to things," I say, letting him know my opinion of THAT particular tactic.

"Well what did you expect? Me just to say 'oh well, its all fine now, Gary's gone now, things are back to normal, until someone else comes along'?" I cannot fucking believe it…

"Dude! Who else could POSSIBLY intercede between our Judeo-Christian relations?" More to the point, DUDE (!), why the hell do you still think I was fucking around with Gary?

"Well I don't know, but someone always manages to draw your attention away! I guess there's a silent meaning in when you say ' I love you' translation: 'I love you Kyle, until a more interesting person comes along and I can see if they're any better.'" I don't know what I've possibly done to give him that image of me. What's wrong with being friendly towards new kids? Everybody needs a friend, especially if they're new to a place and they don't know anybody. Hell, Kyle knows that one. It's how we first met…

"There're some things you can only do once, Kyle. Meeting strange new people and trying to figure them out is one of them. Besides, I see it as...challenging you to improve your performance," I say, raising my eyebrows in a seductive manner.

''... So you make it all sound like a game. That I should fight to be with you or something...I'm just a toy, an amusement, huh, Stan?" Kyle is REALLY not on top of his game today. I don't know why…the last time we had this kind of argument, we ended up beating the crap of each other in front of Gorak. I don't feel like fighting Kyle…I'd rather do things to make him feel GOOD.

"No! I mean, yeah, I have fun with you, but...c'mon, Kyle...what's the harm in motivating you to spice things up a little?" Maybe I should be a corporate CEO. But…I like incentives. And he's guilty of the same behavior, making me do things before he'll let us "play" …

''By acting like or like others better then me? And making me feel like nothing … Well it may be interesting to you, but not for me ... Does that mean anything to you at all?" OK, that settles it. Kyle's hiding a vagina somewhere and he's on his period. Why won't he LISTEN to me?

"Of course! But...Kyle...dude. There isn't any better than you, and if I'd known before how that made you feel, I'd've stopped instantly. Like...complete 180, knock Gary on his ass and run with gay – pardon the pun – abandon to your house and proceeded to show you each separate way I love you." C'mon, Kyle…listen to me!

"... And how do I know you're telling the truth and not just bummed out 'cause Gary didn't meet your standards?" My shoulders sag in defeat. This is just not working. Sighing, I walk over and sit on his bed, stare him in the eyes, and give him my reply.

"Kyle, you ARE my standards. No other male or female that walks this Earth could surpass or even MEET them."

"... You have no idea how much I want to believe that." He looks positively torn. His eyes are watering, and my poor Kosher-boy is staring at me and my panicky visage with a mixture of emotions that I can't even identify.

"How do I prove it to you?" Jesus…God, let him listen! If you're trying to pull something…well, STOP!

"Well... show me!'' It almost sounds like a challenge.

"That could take a while...how long are your parents out?" If he wants the full list…we could be in this room all weekend.

''Does it really matter?" Oh yeah…he wants the full list.

"Absolutely not," I answer. "Reason #34: Is perfectly willing to "loose" his inhibitions for me."

"Heh, well... start showing me Stanny,'' he says, running over and jumping onto his bed…well, more accurately, onto ME on his bed, laying me flat on my back and pinning me to the covers.

"Mmm...gladly, my love," I reply, leaning up for a kiss.

Over the next two days, I made sure Kyle knew quite clearly, in between – and sometimes during – sessions of making out that made something in my groin start tingling. I think I was on item number 28 when somebody opened Kyle's door.

I heard Sheila Broflovski say from outside, "Ki-yole, bubby, your faather and I hoid noises, and we wondered if you were –…" Here litany was interrupted by her seeing my redoubling of my kissing efforts on her son. I heard quite clearly the resulting "OH MY GOD!" but had by that time succeeded in both pushing Kyle's head quite far into his pillow so that his hearing was obstructed, and making him so delirious with pleasure I doubt he would've cared anyway.

When I was getting ready to go home Sunday evening, Kyle remarked, still in a haze, "Mmm…maybe we should do this more often?"

"Kissing, yes…the arguing leading up to it, not so much," I reply. "See you tomorrow, Ky!"

"Mm…maybe before, if I have anything to do with it," he says, licking his lips. I'm surprised they're not bruised.

"Down, boy!" I say, before leaving. I'm out the door before Mrs. Broflovski can accost me. All for the best…but I wonder what she'll say to Kyle?

_**Fin**_


End file.
